Living On and With Purpose

"Shoulding" on oneself is a form of thinking about oneself in harsh, unkind, unfair and judgmental ways. Below are three common manifestations of this type of self "shoulding". Also provided are strategies to transform such thinking into healthy, self-loving, self-compassionate, reasonable and empowering attitudes.

I. Unhealthy, Negative or "Stinking Thinking": "I Should (do something)"
Do you attempt to motivate yourself to accomplish something by telling yourself about what you "should do"  (or other obligatory and self-judgmental terms, such as "ought to", "got to", "must" and "need to", etc.)? This for of thinking is self-critical and unkind toward self. Instead, it sets you up to fight internally because you hear yourself commanding yourself to perform. This places undue pressure on oneself and results in added stress.

I. Healthy, Self-Compassionate and Self-Loving: "I Want"
Instead, embrace and tell yourself what you "want" (or any form of desire) . In other words, give yourself permission to aim for those things that will contribute to your satisfaction. Recognize that wanting (or any form of desire) is more likely to propel and mobilize us toward a goal. It also promotes thinking that opens up the possibilities and inspires positive motivation and optimism. Allow yourself to feel deserving and capable of attaining your goals. Be okay with treating yourself well. It sets the standard for how you will allow others to treat you.

  II. Unhealthy, Negative or "Stinking Thinking": 'I should do (usually some form of work or unpleasant task) something other than enjoying myself in the moment "
Do you find yourself having difficulty relaxing; taking a break or enjoying free time and pleasant activities because you think and tell yourself that there is something else you "should" be doing?
This is a failure to be kind and reasonable toward oneself and one's well being.


II. Healthy, Self-Compassionate and Self-Loving: "I am doing something healthy and good for myself by taking a break or having fun. I am taking good care of myself"  

Recognize that it is your responsibility and right to take good care of yourself. Research shows that taking breaks, engaging in relaxing and enjoyable activities, having fun and laughing contribute to reducing stress and increasing well-being. This enables us to have healthy balance in our lives and restores and re-energizes us to more effectively handle and cope with life's demands. So, tell yourself that relaxing empowers you to experience better health and feel good.



III. Unhealthy, Negative or "Stinking Thinking": "I Should Be Further Along in Life" or "I Should Be As Successful As My Peers (or any other persons, against whom you are comparing yourself)"
Do you beat yourself up because you have not yet attained the success or progress you wish and instead, focus on feeling that you "should"  be much farther ahead; or worse yet, negatively compare yourself to others and think that you "should" be at least where they appear to be.

This is also a form of erroneous expectations and unfair treatment of oneself. In the first instance, the disappointment in oneself overshadows one's self-compassion and therefore interfere's with one's ability to capture progress and move ahead. Comparing oneself negatively against someone else is a no-win attitude. We cannot live according to another's standard or walk in someone else's path. We can only be our best. So, refrain from using others as your measuring stick. In both instances, feelings of depression and anxiety are likely that further interfere with one's ability to see and actualize one's best self.

III. Healthy, Self-Compassionate and Self-Loving: "I have made progress and can continue to strive toward the success I want."  

This healthy form of thinking enables one to recognize that they may already be on their path toward who they wish to become. It embraces the person's desires, dreams and the possibilities. It is also important that one recognizes ways they have achieved progress and are a lot closer to attaining and fulfilling one's dreams and aspirations than at some previous point in time. A self-compassionate attitude also embraces a healthy sense of our shortcomings (not being perfect) and that where it is appropriate to ask for help or tap into external resources. Validating one's own path and valuing oneself and well being enables one to be their best self.

Nurturing Our Being Human Enhances Our Wellbeing

Often we treat ourselves as though we are objects or machines. A good example of this is the over emphasis in American society on producing outcomes that are tangible or material in nature. Our tendency to over value what is is we do in this sense, as opposed to focusing on nurturing our well being.

Taking care of our well being is the key to enjoying benefits that promote wellness, happiness and a positive sense of self. When we direct our energy and engage in practices that address our needs from the inside out (as opposed to ), we are more likely to experience the following states that research shows are most likely associated with being successful.

Feeling a sense of value and priority
Feeling energized
Feeling relaxed
Feeling self-confident
Feeling motivated
Feeling empowered
Feeling a sense of clarity
Feeling a sense of purpose
Feeling a sense of passion
Feeling accomplished
Feeling connected to others

This is the wellspring from which we are best able to function and maximize our potential.  This state and way of being or operating is most likely to occur when we practice the following:

Practicing self-compassion and self-acceptance
Engaging in quieting, centering exercises
Being mindful and present
Engaging in self-reflection
Taking time out to relax
Practicing generosity and empathy
Being grateful
Having fun

Taking good care of ourselves is our responsibility and our right. This includes our emotional well-being and ability to feel good and effectively manage our emotions. We surrender our power by allowing others to control, mistreat, manipulate or take advantage of us. Therefore, it is important to value our well-being and exercise our ability to treat ourselves well.

When we nurture ourselves, make ourselves a priority and enable ourselves to enjoy life, it energizes us and promotes our happiness. This process creates a reservoir of abundance, from which we can give to others with a healthy spirit of generosity that does not leave us depleted. Treating ourselves well also sends a positive message to others and sets a healthy standard and expectation about the treatment we will accept from others.

Here are ways to treat yourself well :

• Nurture your spirituality and your sense of purpose, mission and calling
• Celebrate yourself and appreciate being alive
• Focus on whatever blessings and good things you have
• Recognize and appreciate your skills, strengths and talents
• Give yourself permission to feel good about your abilities and accomplishments
• Connect with others and surround yourself with positive people
• Nurture the close relationships in your life
• Develop your potential and openness to learning something new
• Do those things that bring you comfort, peace and satisfaction in a healthy way
• Forgive yourself for past mistakes; learn the lessons and strive to do better going forth
• Adopt an attitude of self-compassion, accepting that you are not perfect
• Remind yourself about your past victories and achievements to build self-confidence
• Have fun, laugh and enjoy life